Shattered Dreams
by krzyktty
Summary: A world shattered by dreams unfulfilled. Will she tell him the truth before it is to late? Will he catch on before she is gone for good? A story about family ties, love, and loss.


I haven't forgotten my other story; however, I have hit a writer's block of sorts. So, I decided to write this one-shot that has been stuck in my head forever to help clear the air. Maybe a bit of a writing exercise will help get things flowing again. This is one shot. If for some reason, you would like to write a direct prequel or sequel, please be courteous and ask permission. As always, I do not own the characters in this story.

 **SHATTERED DREAMS**

She can't remember a single moment of her life where they weren't a part of it. All the way back to the furthest traces of her fuzzy memory, Megumi, Misao, Sano, Aoshi, and Kenshin were always there. All orphans; however, not a single one of them ever felt without family. Circumstance and tragedy had brought them all together, but love had forged the bonds that tied them all now. Megumi was the caring older sister that watched over them all. She tended to everyone's wounds and forced tough love on her charges when necessary. Misao was the hyperactive younger sister that bounced off the walls and infused everyone and everything with an inexhaustible energy. Her presence radiated wherever she went. Sano and Aoshi were the older brothers, vastly different but no less loving. Sano was protective, big headed, and strong willed. He towered over her, and in his shadow she was always offered a safe haven from the world. He protected everyone, and made sure that no one ever took life to seriously. Aoshi was the stoic pillar that supported her; his presence was always there, but unobtrusive, almost unnoticed by most. She wouldn't have been able to survive the last few months if it was not for him. But that wasn't something she wanted to dwell on.

Then there was him. Kenshin. The sun in her life. He was everything to her. There were no easy words to define Kenshin, nor her feelings for him.

She dug her feet further into the white sand and wrapped her arms tighter against her legs as her head rested on her knees. The sun was beaming down on her from above, and she was quietly grateful that Megumi remembered to grab the beach umbrella. She released one arm and started absently fingering odd shapes and lines into the sand as she stared longingly at the figures in the distance.

Sano and Misao were locked in a battle to the death on the ocean's edge. Water was being thrown back and forth as peals of laughter rang down the shore. Megumi was forced into the battle a few minutes back, an innocent bystander now caught up in their heated water fight . Kaoru predicted she would concede in a few more moments. No one could outlast those two in a war . A smile almost escaped Kaoru's lips as she watched Megumi sneak behind Sano with a bucket used for sand castles filled to the brim with water. As Sano's scream shot up and down the beach, a smug look of satisfaction could be found on Megumi's face.

Kenshin was off to the side, trying hard to stay out of the fray with _her._ Tomoe, Kenshin's infatuation. Tomoe wasn't' from the orphanage, but they had meet at school. Kaoru tried not to hold Kenshin's obvious love for her against Tomoe, she was a very nice girl. But she just couldn't help the jealously that would well up from the deepest, darkest corners of her heart. Kaoru could feel her heart constrict as she watched them on the water's edge. Kenshin reached around Tomoe, tickling her sides as he drew her closer to him. He over compensated for her wiggling, and brought them both crashing into the ocean. She turned her head away as their laughter reached her ears.

"You should tell him."

Kaoru knew what he was talking about, but she opted for playing dumb. This was not a conversation she wanted to have right now. "He loves Tomoe."

Aoshi lifted one eyebrow as he looked at her dejected form. "Stupidity does not become you Kaoru."

She continued to draw absent mindedly into the sand. "What good would it do to tell him now? It's not his pity that I want Aoshi."

He took one arm, wrapped it around her ever shrinking form, and drew her close. She could feel the vibrations in his chest as he spoke, "You should tell them Kaoru."

"I can't Aoshi. I can't. I don't know how. And I can't tell him. What would it accomplish? I don't want his pity. And I can't have his love. So what is the point?"

He used his thumb to gently wipe away the tears from her cheek. They came so silently, it made him wonder if she even knew they were there. He placed a single kiss atop her head. This had become too frequent between them over the last few months. With dread in his heart, he wondered how many more he would be afforded.

"Don't you think he deserves the choice?"

She violently pushed herself up and turned to stare down at him. "NO! This is hard enough as it is! He can't know! They can't know! You're not supposed to know! No one was! You pushed yourself into this situation, you and your need to know EVERYTHING!"

The others had turned at the commotion, startled. Aoshi stood up, pulling Kaoru back into his arms, and shook his head at their friends. She didn't need them here right now. He silently withstood her tiny fists beating against his chest until they finally calmed a few seconds later. "You need me."

She wrapped tiny arms around his waist and buried her head into his chest. Aoshi was strength and support, and despite his cool demeanor, he was warmth. There was no way she would have survived the last few months without him. "I know."

"You need them."

She buried her face further into his chest, trying to disappear. "I know."

"You need him."

He could now feel the tears that probably never stopped on his chest. "I don't."

"Kaoru." He tried to pull her back so that he could look her in the eyes.

"I can't." She shook her head as she looked at the sand.

Aoshi took one hand and gently lifted her chin up to meet his eyes, as his other hand held her shoulder firmly.

"I can't do that to him Aoshi. It's unfair."

He placed a kiss on her forehead before speaking again. "So is this. You need him."

And that is what finally broke her. She wasn't sure if it was his constant hammering on the issue, or the reality she knew but continued to deny, but her resolve finally cracked. "I know! I know I need him! I know I need him like I need life. But neither is mine to have!"

And with that she peeled off sprinting away with everything that she had. She didn't look at at Aoshi's sad continence, or the outstretched arm she left in her place. She didn't look at Megumi, Misao, or Sano that stared on in confusion. She didn't look back at Kenshin who had left Tomoe behind without thinking, running after her.

She hit the ocean hard, and started swimming with everything she had. It was still chilly this early into the season, and stole her breath away, but she ignored it. If anything, she relished it, she could now blame the pain in her chest on the ocean instead. She swam further into the ocean without thinking, the sounds of the waves drowning out the voice calling her name. The insanity of everything driving common sense from her mind, only pushing her further into the ocean's embrace. It would be so easy to give up now, to just stop swimming, stop breathing, stop being. A small part of her mind wondered if that is what she wanted, what she was doing, but she ignored it like everything else.

Her stamina wasn't what it used to be. She could feel herself tiring out quickly; the dizziness in her head growing with each passing second. As the dizziness grew, her strokes became weaker and finally she sank into the ocean. The waves tossed her small form around and she lost her sense of direction, maybe she simply stopped looking. Giving in, she closed her eyes and stopped struggling, waiting for the inevitable. She knew there were worse ways to go.

Strong hands suddenly grabbed her arm, dragging her back to the surface. She gasped in alarm, swallowing a bit of water along the way. She coughed the water back up violently as arms held her firmly to a chest, slowly dragging her back to shore. She didn't need to look to know who it was. It was _HIM._ It was always him.

She never needed eyes to know when he was close. If Aoshi was warmth, then Kenshin was fire, and her body ignited every time he was close. Just like now, even in the chilly waves. She concentrated on the steady stroke of his body as he brought her back in to safety, whether she wanted it or not. She breathed in and out with him, matching their rhythms. In that one moment, they were together as one, at least in a sense.

As she caught her breath and the dizziness started clearing from her head, she took a second to try to obtain her bearings. She noted absently that Kenshin was taking her in at an angle. It was increasing his work load, but curiously taking them further from their friends. A few strokes later, they had reached far enough inland where they could safely stand again. Kenshin steadied her as they both stopped to rest.

Kenshin kept an iron clad grip on her the entire time. Never painful, but unrelenting, as thought she could slip away again at any moment. The seconds dragged on into minutes, and he held them both there firm, with no sign of moving. With each passing moment, she could see the emotions warring across his face, anger, worry, fear, and relief to name a few. They all combined into a torrent in his eyes, as his peaceful purple irises turned into molten gold.

Why, Why out of everyone on that God forsaken beach, was he the one that caught her?

Kenshin removed his arms long enough to cup her face in them, ensuring they were gentle but that she had nowhere else to look but into his eyes.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!"

Kaoru stared in startled curiosity for a minute. She was slightly surprised that fire didn't erupt from his mouth, because in this moment Kenshin resembled a dragon more than a man.

"KAORU!" Kenshin shook her head slightly.

"I don't know."

"What?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

Kenshin roared in frustration. "Did you think about what could have happened? About what your loss would do to your friends? To me?"

She tried to turn her head away. She found it nearly impossible to face those burning eyes. It was as if they were melting every last secret out of her soul. He wouldn't let her.

"You'll be fine."

Kaoru gasped in surprise as he brought their foreheads together. They stood there for a moment, breathing in the scent of each other; she being grounded by his firm presence and him being comforted by her safety.

When he finally spoke, it was with a much calmer voice; in an almost pleading tone. "Kaoru. You are my family. Losing you would be like losing a limb. I love you."

Kaoru shook her head back in forth in denial. The tears once swallowed by the ocean began to return. "But not enough."

"I don't understand Kaoru."

"But you don't love me enough. I love you Kenshin, not as a brother, but as a lover. You don't love me enough to stay by my side. And you can't even if you did"

It was now Kenshin's turn to real backwards in shock. He quickly recovered and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her as though the sheer act would shake all the sense she had clearly lost back into her. "And that warrants nearly drowning yourself in the ocean?" He tried, unsuccessfully, to angle his face towards hers. She was clearly avoiding his gaze.

"I wasn't thinking."

"OBVIOUSLY!"

Kaoru turned towards him, pouring her soul into her words. "It was instinct. It was an escape, for just one moment from the pain, confusion, and everything else. I didn't mean it in the way you think."

"Kaoru," Kenshin took a quick pause. He wanted to ensure that she understood his next words clearly and the sheer desperation behind them. "I may not love you the way you want me to. But there is no doubt that I cannot live without you. There is no me without you."

After that, Kenshin wasn't sure if it was the physical or emotional exhaustion, or some combination of both, that caused her to collapse in his arms. But as long as he lived, he would never forget the feeling of her body in his arms as he carried her bridal style across the beach towards their makeshift family. Or the feeling of her gripping him with a crazed desperation, whispering "Sorry. I'm so sorry." over and over again. Nor would he forget the sickening realization at how light she really was.

Later that evening, after Kaoru had gone to bed, Misao, and Megumi were nestled closely next to Kaoru, each seeking comfort in each other. Sano sat off to the side, quietly guarding the three ladies as they slept. Kenshin and Aoshi sat in the common area in shock and quiet contemplation. So many questions were running through his head, and he found it hard to verbalize a single one of them. So he simply looked towards Aoshi for the answers. Aoshi, who always knew everything about everyone. Aoshi, who had become Kaoru's shadow over the last few months. Aoshi, who had taken Kaoru from Kenshin's arms and whisked her away as soon as he was able.

And it was Aoshi, who uncharacteristically put his face in his hands as he ushered out the next few words that would forever break his soul. "She's dying."

The world stopped in that moment. Breathing ceased, thoughts ceased, Kenshin swears his heart ceased. To this day, Kenshin only remembers Aoshi crying on one singular occasion, and it was this night. Two tears slipped unwillingly from his eyes as he willed his mouth to continue. "Cancer. Inoperable."

Kenshin doesn't remember being cognizant enough of thought to ask any questions, but he remembers the sound of his voice as he asked them anyway.

"How long?"

Aoshi shook his head. "Months."

"How long has she known?"

"Months."

"Why you?"

"Because I'm me."

And that was the crux of it. No one could ever hide anything from Aoshi. He must have been a spymaster in a past life, because Aoshi could decipher everyone's secrets while reveling none in return. Something this big, Kaoru didn't stand a chance of keeping it hidden.

The reality only pained Kenshin more. Months Kaoru had known and been suffering. Months Aoshi had known and been quietly suffering with her. He had most likely seen the signs, read between the lines, and then confronted her while offering his own unique form of support. The fact that Kenshin had missed those very same signs alarmed him. The fact that it was likely because he was so caught up in his feelings for Tomoe almost caused him to be sick.

"How could she keep this from us?"

Aoshi continued to hold his tear stained face in his hands. "She didn't want to become a bother to anyone."

And now it was Kenshin's turn to cry. His soul cried out with the injustice of it all. The gods could take anyone, everyone, even himself, just not her. "How," he choked out. "How could she even think..."

Aoshi sighed into his hands, as though the answer were obvious. "She's Kaoru."

"But why didn't she at least come to me?"

That it seemed, earned a brief look from his friend. It screamed, "Even you aren't that stupid." It was amazing how one man could say so much with so little.

"She loves you Kenshin. She always has. She couldn't see any way to tell you that wouldn't end in heartache. It was the ultimate unwinnable scenario, her Kobayashi Maru. 1. You're in love with Tomoe and only stay by her side in pity, thus possibly destroying your future happiness and her sense of pride. 2. You realize you love her just in time to bury her. Her love for you can't show her a third option, either way in her mind destroys your future happiness, and neither is acceptable."

After that, the two men lapsed into silence again. They sat like that for hours, until the first morning light began to peek through the windows. Each contemplating what was next. How they would live after this. Trying to disperse the 1,000 what if's that arose with every passing though. The sunlight rose with each realizing that no amount of time would ever prepare them for what was bound to come next.

"Aoshi, what do I do?"

"I don't know."

And it was then that Kenshin realized that he really didn't know. He realized that Aoshi was battling this demon in his own way, for months now, and still hadn't come up with an answer. In the face of that, what hope did Kenshin have?

"Aoshi, I don't know how to live without her."

Aoshi stood up, and slowly walked towards the male sleeping quarters as he spoke without looking back, "We have to learn."

And Kenshin broke completely.

Hot, messy, ugly tears streamed down Kenshin's face. Long gone was any sense of decorum along with his sense of reality. He collapsed to the ground, on his hands and knees as they lowered her cold body into the earth. A horrifying wail, in some broken resemblance of her name, cut through the crisp air like a katana. Kenshin was too far gone to realize it was his own.

The past few months played through his mind in horrifying detail. They were the happiest and most heart wrenching months of his life. He remembered the soul crushing pain of realizing that he really did love her; that he was attracted to Tomoe because she reminded him so much of her. He remembered her immense joy when he told her how much she really meant to him, and consoled her when the reality of what that meant for them both hit her. He remembered her laughter, her smile, and all the times she would spend contentedly in his arms. There was always a dark veil that hung over their time together; however, these last few months were the happiest in his life just being by her side. And in this one moment, he couldn't help but hate her for all of it. For the pain she had now left in their friends hearts. He hated her for leaving them, for leaving Aoshi, and he hated her for leaving him. He hated her for the accuracy of her prediction. He was alone. No Tomoe, no Kaoru, and no happiness. How was he supposed to live when a piece of his soul now rested for all eternity in the ground beneath his feet?

He remembered looking at his friends before his collapse into madness, each lost in their own hell of grief, and wondered where was the fairness of it all? Where was their happy ending? Where was her happy ending?

And as he knelt there, crying rivers as tribute at her grave, only simplistic thoughts could form in his broken mind. "Why?" Why did it have to be her? "How?" How did this happen to us?" "Why?" Why Now? "How?" How do I live without you now?" And the tears, the tears seemed never ending.


End file.
